Episode 5: The power of saying no!

When saying NO to people, situations, or "opportunities" = means actually saying YES to you.

If there's one thing that's most empowering, it's the power of saying NO - whether it's in your personal or professional relationships.

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Transcript

So what does it mean to really empower yourself? You know, a lot of people ask this question about what is self-empowerment? Is it just being a dick? Is it being overly aggressive? Is it a complete disregard for other people for rules or whatever? And here's my quick take on that based on just a lot of things that have been happening in my personal life. I feel like my best description for what has been the most empowering for me is knowing the value of saying no, and a lot of the times people really underestimate the power and the value of saying no, because they feel that, okay, if I'm saying no to this, that makes me a killjoy or I'm being too strict or I'm not allowing myself to have fun or, you know, you tend to gaslight your way out of saying no. And I remember the movie yes, man with a Jim Carrey. And while I was thinking of this episode, I was remembering that movie and I was thinking, okay, does it mean that to be are missing out on so many things because they're saying no to a lot of things, does that mean that they're missing out and they're, you know, that are killing opportunities from happening? And I guess it's all case-to-case basis, but if we're talking about, I guess setting boundaries for yourself or not necessarily feeling good about something, don't force yourself to say yes, because and you might want to really, really listen to this message. When you're saying no to other people, let's say a situations, people relationships, employment opportunities or a client, a way to make money or anything that you're saying no to. Remember that you are essentially saying yes to yourself. Let me say that again. when you are saying no to something else, you are actually honoring yourself. You're actually saying yes to yourselves. and that's not really a bad thing, is it? And, you know, this episode is actually inspired by something that's happened to me quite recently where I have repeatedly spoke about my boundaries towards someone. And I'm that kind of person that, you know, I can probably talk shit about somebody behind their back. But eventually I will confront that person because I don't want to be a hypocrite where, you know, I'm talking smack about somebody and then I won't have the confidence to confront them. I'm actually the kind of person that I'm going to take my time to, you know, kind of cool my head and maybe recollect my thoughts and stuff like that. But for the most part, I am going to confront you. I am going to tell you how I feel. And I'm not going to wait a week or a month before I actually confront you about how I'm feeling normally I would, you know, the most that I would wait would probably be a day, a couple of hours to a day, but actually most of the time I would kind of give myself maybe just a few hours and then collect my thoughts and then confront somebody, not in an angry way, but hey, like if I have to be more aggressive, if I have to be a little bit more, you know, blunt than I usually am, then I would be, but I try to keep it respectful, of course. So, yeah, and it's happened to me with with one particular person where, you know, since a couple of months ago, I have been specifically talking to this person and telling this person, hey, like, this is just not how I work, this is not how I do things., basically telling this person, these are my boundaries. And for some reason, this person will always say, okay, sure, I hear you, but you still have to do this. or I hear you, you still have to do it this way. You have to do it my way. And I felt like I was literally like trying to pull hair off of a bald man's head. And that is a direct translation of a talog term where where we say nan. And that is a hyperbole, I guess, or metaphor into saying that what you're doing is actually pointless already because you know, I I know I was clear. I was being respectful. I was not even trying to sugar throw anything, but this person would keep saying, I hear you but. And the first time that happened, I was like, okay, I can't do this anymore. And I actually step back from from that person. But eventually I got kind of wrote back in because of different circumstances that happened. And then the same thing started happening again. And I think that is also a clear indication that when you kind of break up with somebody and it's not just a friendship or a relationship or a client relationship. Basically, when you break up with somebody in any kind of relationship personal or professional, it's not really a great idea to come crawling back to them or to kind of accept them straight away if they're not willing to make a change. Have I, you know, worked with clients that I have sort of broken up in the past? Yeah, I've worked with them again and it actually became better, but I learned the second time around that I had to be very firm like, hey, you know, let's say my rate start at at this amount I'm really not going to compromise anymore because I know how we work together. You know the quality of my work and I think, you know, this time you can probably afford more. You know, but for the most part, I have told myself time and time again and I know I have to keep reminding myself that if you break up with somebody, don't come back to them anymore. And this is why even in my personal relationships, if I break up with an X, I'm not going to go back to them because I have experienced once in my life or maybe twice in my life that I had essentially broken up with somebody and then kind of gave them another chance or, you know, years later, like I would try to date them again and it just doesn't work out. And that is a cle indication that, you know what, if it doesn't work out, the first time it's probably not going to work out the second or the third time, unless, of course, you see actual change and you actually see that this person is proactively, not just saying I hear you, but choosing to listen and understand and fully internalize what you're telling them. And, you know, that's where it got tricky for me because, you know, you start questioning if you're just being a bitch and you don't want to be a bitch. I don't want to be a bitch. I started questioning, okay, am I being too mean? Am I being too particular? Am I being too stingy with the way I work? And you know what? So what if I am? So what if I want to set a boundary that for fuck's sake, if it's a weekend, do not fucking tag me on a WhatsApp thread and put something like hey respond to this ASAP fucking full bold caps letters, like when I saw that message I fucking trigger the shit out of me and that's what prompted me to write an email and basically tell these people hey, like this is happening again. My boundaries are not respected. I am not listening to you and I just had to bite the bullets, send that email after, of course, proof reading it maybe 30 times and making sure that it was assertive enough, but still respectful. And you know what? The something great actually happened from me Sunday night email because it basically opened up the opportunity for more truths to come out. And I think that is the most empowering part of saying no because you are essentially saying yes to yourself. You're saying yes to self-loved, self care to setting a boundary to respecting yourself and if you are the at the receiving end, I guess may last be some devices, if you are at the receiving end of somebody saying no to you, for whatever reason, let's say in a work environment. You know, when someone tells you, hey, like, no, I'm not going to work overtime or no, I'm not going to work on this on a weekend. Don't take a personally. If anything try to actually be proud of that person because you know what? It's actually a lot easier for people to say yes versus to say no, because I think society has really conditioned us into into thinking that a no is a bad thing. Say no, like kills opportunities for you. Well, essentially, you're not, because again, let's say in a client perspective, when you're saying no to a potential client, because let's say they just can't afford your $2 thousand dollar rate. And you try to haggle, you probably can go down to 1500, but they still can and they're like, no, I can only afford 500, but they want you to they have a laundry list of stuff that they want you to do, right? So you say no, and now you feel like, holy shit, did I just kill that opportunity Did I just mess that one up? Maybe I should say yes to it. Maybe I'm not going to find another client. When you start making all these excuses for yourself, you gaslight yourself into thinking that you are killing an opportunity just because you say no, you got to stop doing that because essentially, if you say notice something that you know in your heart and your gut, in your mind everything is not completely aligned with what you need as a person. You are essentially making space for something that is about to arrive in your life, that is much more aligned. And I have proven this time and time again whenever I fire a client or I quit a client or I just had to let go of a client in the beginning, of course, like it feels a bit scary, right? Because, let's say you let go of I let go of freaking four-figure clients. And that shit scared me in the past, but I always try to look at the positive side of it where, okay, I may have lost, let's say, fifteen hundred, for the first couple of days. You know, you kind of sit with that. And then you start thinking, you know what? I've gained back peace of mind. I've let go of stress, let go of anxiety, let go of working late, if those were, you know, the reasons why I quit the client, for example, I let go of a sleazy client who keeps, you know, wanting to flirt with me or whatever, because that has happened in the past, which is why I rarely work with male clients now. But yeah, it's you could be letting go of something by always remember that again, when you're cutting ties when you're burning a bridge or when you're just letting go, you're actually making space for something that is about to arrive and you have to think of it that way. You always have to look at it as you are creating space for something so much better to arrive. And you know what? Ten out of ten times, those bad clients that I have let go in the past would always be immediately replaced by someone else who has so much more aligned, so much better, you tell them your rate, they don't blink, they don't even think twice, you only hop on, let's say one call with them that's quick as fuck. And then they want to start with you like literally within a week or two. So if you are so scared that you might be missing out if you got the FOMO, right, even in relationships, don't be afraid to say no. Like let's say you're on a dating binge right now and you find yourself just say no to people or swiping left or however it is that you're dating. Look at it in a way where, you know, you're saying no, but essentially you're saying yes to you and again, you are reserving that space for something that's more energetically aligned with you in a relationship. Before it closes this episode, you know, before I met my now husband, I actually was dating someone else and I was almost as close to not meeting my husband because I met that other guy. And I was very much inclined to giving that guy a second chance because his first date was awesome. And then the next day, he was completely hungover, didn't remember that he messaged me at three in the morning and, you know, my ex was a one of my ex's was a closet alcoholic who lied to me for almost six years of my life. And um that person that I had been going out with knew the story about my ex and how sensitive I am now about drinking and alcohol, and if I'm going out with somebody, you can drink. Sure. But if you're blacking out, you're turning 40 and you're partying like you're a fucking frat boy in college. That's just not my idea of fun. You know, if you're blacking out and notmembering that you're sending messages at three in the morning, that is such a huge no-no for me. And I remember him basically begging me to give him a second chance. and it was the first time that I actually had some blatantly tell somebody, hey, that's if you if that's your idea of fine and good for you, but that's just not something that I want in a relationship because I am dating to find someone that I want to settle down with and it's just not you. And I had to say it like that. I just had to tell that person, sorry, like it's just not, this isn't it. And he was like, yeah, I'm cutting down on the partying on the bub blah blah, and I told him that's great. But I am not the person who is going to ask you to change or who has to beg you to change because I'm not like a transition girl, you know, I'm I'm your I'm a final destinationian. Like that's how high I held myself in regard like that's how proud I was of myself, not in somearcissistic egotistic way, but I knew the value that I was putting on the table and I did not want to be wasting my time with somebody who was blacking out and not remembering what he's doing at three in the morning, because I'm done with that I'm done with that shit and honestly someone who drinks so much to get drunk is just not the kind of partner that I would want to be with and the kind of partner that I would want to expose my kid or kids with. You know what I mean? So, you know, when I thought that I was like a solid, yes, that person and then he did that, I was just like, fuck, no. I'm not even going to give this another shot because you show me your true collar once, true colors once. I'm going to believe it. Right? And and you're in the early stages of dating. You're supposed to be putting your best foot forward. And if you're already fucking up on the second date, then either you're too comfortable with me or that's just really who you are, right? And so when I said no to that, it opened up the possibility of that person was in for me and there's someone else for me, and guess what, a few days later, um I met I met my now husband and we are now married and we have a kid together and to me, like that was the best decision I've ever made my entire life. And again, that is a perfect example of you say no to somebody else. You say no to something that you could have given it a shot. I could have given it a shot, right? but if your gut is telling you that it's a big fat no, fucking followed the big fat no, and wait for that solid yes because it is going to happen. Don't rush it it is going to happen, believe me. So again, thank you for listening toude's podcast episode and if you have any suggestions for future episodes, please buy all means, visit my Instagram. It's www.instagram.com slash the blacks sheepco and I think there's a period somewhere there, but you know, just search for it and you'll see my face on it. And yeah, just comment on any of the posts there I don't update that shit often because that's just the life of a social media manager. You're still good at updating other people's social media accounts, but your own, it's a little flop. But yeah, feel free to send me a message there or comments on any of my post there and, yeah, let me know what other topics you like from you to talk about. And if you actually enjoy this, hopefully I get to post this ah, on my profile as a real and then you can just feel free to comment on that one. Okay, so again, thank you so much for listening and this is Elise signing off from the Black Sheep collective. Remember that what makes you different is actually your superpower. Bye.